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Saturday, November 14th, 2009
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Today's attitude - not so great. I'm finding that Saturdays consistently make me crazy. I even woke up and went to weed the garden at the school this morning. It should have set me up for an optimistic outlook for the whole day
But by 2pm I was preparing for my usual Saturday descent into crazy where I get myself all whipped up about all the shit I'm not getting done - taxes, outdoor projects, cleaning, exercise, self-improvement, volunteer work, conquering fears, eating better, being a nicer mom, dressing better, buying fewer clothes, making good on my to-do list from the last 6 months, planning for the future... what the fuck?? Then I turn on my family and make them all think about the things THEY'RE not doing, too. I find that the crazy is totally contagious, so be careful.
We did manage to install a dog shit disposal to our sewer line today. And maybe that's enough.
Now I'm going to watch TV and eat ice cream... with liquor in it.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, September 28th, 2009
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I'm totally back on coffee after stopping for a month or so. I stopped as part of this cleanse in which I stopped (but in reality, reduced, because I'm not so disciplined) a number if things - caffeine, alcohol, sugar, animal products, and wheat. The cleanse was interesting. I felt pretty good. I enjoyed not having coffee for a while. Mostly I enjoyed the way I felt so much more chill with my kids. Coffee makes me high strung, and high strung equals bitch mom. But I love it too much to stay away. Work is definitely more productive with coffee. Although, not today, it seems. As I sit here journaling...
Fall is good. We made it through the summer, and Abby and Cora are both in school. We no longer have two out of control puppies. Now they're slightly less out of control young dogs. I'm successfully making my way through teaching my first graduate level class at UT. Ken and I are both still employed. Broke, but employed, so yay. Halloween is around the corner. We'll do some fall camping soon.
We went to Costa Rica this summer. That's why we're broke. But what a time we had:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/photo.php?pid=340425&id=1175527096
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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people are way too complicated to keep relationships simple. and also horribly simple in managing complex relationships. how do you reconcile that shit? it makes me tired. this has been quite a week for complex relationships in my little world.
also, someone should tell my children to stop acting so grown up and sassy all of a sudden (it's not really all of a sudden, there have been signs...). i can't face living in a state of low-level argument for the next 13 years. lord.
another thing, abby won a tiny cross necklace in a coin machine several days ago. she's been wearing it. it prompted a graphic conversation between us regarding my personal feelings about christianity and the symbol of the cross. i didn't ask her to take it off or anything - just told what the symbol means to me, my reaction to it. anyway, she's been asked twice now (by other children) if she's a christian. she balls-out tells them "nope." this whole things is bringing up fascinating feelings for me.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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david carradine found dead in bangkok? crazy young mom puts human shit in her sick child's feeding tube?
dude, the news is bumming me out today.
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Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.
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i just took salo out to pee in the front yard and looked up into the night sky to see birds - lots and lots of birds circles and landing high in nearby trees. what kind of birds are those? are they the ones who nest in front of my bedroom window with their strange little squeaking chirp? i laid on my back on the warm sidewalk and tried to count them as they flew in circles. salo brought me back to reality when i noticed his telltale cat-shitting-eating snort.
today is jessica's birthday. she and i went to a quiet dinner at hyde park. i told her about costa rica. she said she likes to stay at our house and take care of our dogs. i love family. we stopped by the grocery and were home by 7:45. we are older than we used to be.
we're going to costa rica in august! i need to get passports for the kids and be sure i have plenty of xanax for the "scenic drive through the mountains."
my mom hurt her back and has been incapacitated since mothers day. i've driven out there a few times to help. once i had to make two trips because i got the wrong medicine on the first trip. as i was leaving her house for the final leg of my 100 mile adventure i was hit by this wall of grief out of the blue. my dad. he would have driven 100 miles to help me without asking a question. that kind of willingness is hard to come by, and i had it with him. i was struck with the realization that i'm going be that for the people in my family. i'm the one who drives 100 miles on a regular tuesday night to help people i love. which is pretty much ok, but i feel like all of this stuff that comes with adulthood comes too soon, and without any negotiation. i don't think i'll ever stop feeling pissed that my dad was yanked away from us so early.
anyway, summer is a moment away. cora graduates preschool thursday night then on to kindergarten. but first, some good lazy summer-paced living, lots of swimming, yoga, snow cones, and watermelon, the texas coast, and of course, costa rica.
my life is very good. and i am grateful.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, March 7th, 2009
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so i think we're done having babies. no more. i feel relieved, happy. ready to get on with life. i love the kids we have. my own life as an adult looks good from here. i don't want to have more babies, but i'm feeling pretty sentimental:
quiet and awe-struck.
time moves connected to itself like water in a swimming pool. easy to forget it’s connected to the ocean. easy to believe you can live in that placid, quiet pool forever.
baby looks at you and you look at her. regarding each other as permanent fixtures. “so here we are. and this is life now…”
and you live in quiet love - nursing, tidying, lolling, staring. fighting your quiet battle to – sleep. “when will we all finally sleep, baby?”
not realizing that sleep is brief and intermittent - giving you the opportunity to NOTICE.
the moments when everyone rests together – so briefly and soundly. quiet. family collapsed together. nursing baby. all dozing next to breezy open afternoon windows, or in the quiet of dawn. nuzzled into each other among cushions and pillows. notice the brief experience of quiet together.
notice the moment that baby belongs only there – not running, not shouting, not finding her own way – but there with you. your baby.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
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1. What is something mom always says to you?
Abby: I love you
Cora: Go brush your teeth!
2. What makes mom happy?
Abby: When I follow directions
Cora: That I kiss her on the cheeks and I say I love you
3. What makes mom sad?
Abby: When I scratch the floors
Cora: That I pinch her
4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Abby: Tickling me
Cora: From me tickling her
5. What was your mom like as a child?
Abby: ... I don't know. Swimming?
Cora: Jumping rope
6. How old is your mom?
Abby: 33
Cora: 25
7. How tall is your mom?
Abby: (furrowed brow) I don't really know, but I would guess... maybe... 70... no no no not 70... 75 inches tall. (Cora from the other room: "no, 23!")
Cora: See above
8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Abby: Garden, swim
Cora: Clean the kitchen
9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Abby: *gasp* oh no! um...uh... read?
Cora: play on the computer
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Abby: writing a story
Cora: "I'm sliiiidiinnnnng!"
11. What is your mom really good at?
Abby: she's really good at...? computer? and reading.
Cora: checkers
12. What is your mom not very good at?
Abby: hula hooping
Cora: star wars games
13. What does your mom do for a job?
Abby: um, I think... she helps people sort out problems
Cora: Work on the computer
14.What is your mom's favorite food?
Abby: non-junk food
Cora: our new yogurt
15.What makes you proud of your mom?
Abby: that she is catching up on the book that we're reading
Cora: That she kisses me and my cheeks get red
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Abby: as a super hero... Amazing Mama!
Cora: The mom in Iron Giant
17. What do you and your mom do together?
Abby: interviews...
Cora: Play a board game
18. How are you and your mom the same?
Abby: we like to write
Cora: we both drink water
19. How are you and your mom different?
Abby: I like junk food
Cora: we both eat different food at the same time
20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Abby: because she says.
Cora: that I kiss you and say I love you
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Comments: Read 10 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, February 22nd, 2009
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I just ate ice cream for breakfast. In fact I've eaten whatever the hell I wanted, whenever I've wanted it for almost 48 house. And some of it was delicious. And I didn't have to share.
I've been alone at my house since Friday afternoon interrupted by only a couple of required outings. I seriously feel like I've been on an exotic vacation. My house is clean. Aside from the barking dog it's quiet quiet quiet. I slept so well and so long it was a bit disorienting. I've gotten some work done and read a lot. I watched trashy TV and took a long bath.
My family comes home this evening. Which is fine. I love them. But I do wonder at what point I would start to feel lonely. I'm nowhere remotely close right now.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, February 21st, 2009
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quiet house. cloudy cool morning - even a little rain. working in my slippers and bathrobe. coffee. iron and wine.
this is good.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, February 13th, 2009
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owning finches
building a tree house
the impending death of our old dog
having custom couch covers made
how my new running shoes seem to have defective soles
family traditions
how my new glasses suck, and a plan to replace them with these
spring
more yoga. always more yoga
god and prayer and holy grace
how much this book has embedded itself under my skin
cora's new short hair
spring
spring
spring
amy calling me at 4am her time - you ok amy? i love you too!
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, August 29th, 2008
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Thursday, July 17th, 2008
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work = exhausting. those people maintain a sense of hope for the most egregious criminal offenders in our society, yet that can't suspend judgment of one another, and they make firm decisions about each others' defective characters every fucking day. i am tired of that shit. and you know what? i'm gonna write a memo about offering respect, hope and warmth in the work place. i'm gonna offer praise and love to every one of those assholes. seriously.
my kids = challenging. constantly. i'm taking my parenting cues exclusively from brangelina these days, if you're keeping track. so far i'm not keeping up, but i have hope for tomorrow.
my house (and things generally) = messy
my tv watching = delicious avoidance of all things real
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, July 10th, 2008
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still here. the bed is calling, but i feel pulled to comment on Things. there isn't really anything out of the ordinary upon which to comment, but still. let's just capture the moment.
abby - who is currently missing both of her upper front teeth - woke me up from a deep sleep this morning, "mom, is it time for you to get up?" cora, as usual, was still snuggled against my left side. i had forgotten to set my alarm, and yes, it was time to get up. ken, in unusual fashion, was up and had already made coffee. how did i miss the coffee grinder? coffee was a new bag just delivered from coffee fool (www.coffeefool.com). that shit is good. i made waffle-peanut-butter sandwiches, and was generally swept into the hurry of getting everyone dressed, fed, and out the door.
i got to work just before 9. and worked. and procrastinated. and worked. and met. and met some more. ate lunch - fast food at the conference room table. then met some more. i'm not so happy with my work environment at the moment, which is ironic, because i'm working on the most engaging, exciting, high-profile project of my career. then i left for the weekend after an emotional and complicated conversation with my boss. that's right, bitches, my weekend starts on thursday. so that's work.
i had to hurry across town to get the kids from the hippy school in the country. i was late from my emotional, complicated conversation with my boss. got to the country and tried to take some deep breaths of the juniper-scented summer air before fetching my crank-ass children from the school. they were, in fact, cranky and slow to drag to the car. drove home in relative peace while they scarfed cliff bars and copied each other in the back seat.
got home. i switched out laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and got the salad, steamed carrots and cornbread going - beans had in the crock pot all day. cora's constipated and scared to poop, so she wanted me to sit next to her on the toilet while she tried. no luck. abby had leg pain and moaned and flopped around the house while i was sitting with cora. left the bathroom and made abby drink 12oz of water - testing my theory that her leg pain is dehydration. it proved not to be a little while later - one of her frequent growing pains. abby is extremely tall and grows in several inch spurts; so i slathered on the tiger balm and gave her some ibuprofen. in the meantime she got busy making cards for people. she had gotten postage stamps with her artwork on them in them mail today, and felt enthusiastic to send out some cards. i fed the three crazy dogs.
somewhere in the afternoon i drew a bath, but never managed to convince either kid to get in it before dinner. ken arrived home, and we all decided to eat in the living room in front of the tv - a once a week or so indulgence. we found the new version of The Parent Trap on a commercial network and decided to go with that. it paled sadly on comparison to the original. i cannot recommend that stupid movie. but we watched it. the whole thing. we took breaks to clean the kitchen, make the kids finally take that cold bath still sitting in the tub. i ran over to my sister's to give her the souvenirs we got for them at the beach last week and collect some valium (for my ever-growing freeway anxiety - going to dallas tomorrow) from her husband.
cora snuggled in my lap and made me laugh while we finished the stupid movie. we finally put the kids to bed. here i am now, doing my nightly routine of fucking around online, wallowing in our financial woes, and trying to take care of business for my non-profit board. i still need to shower, finish the kitchen, fold and put away a load of laundry, make a to-do list for tomorrow, and read myself to sleep.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
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so June 11, 2008, how do you do? my children are growing, life is moving along, and i feel older - like all grown up and shit.
yesterday would have been my dad's 59th birthday. i still think about him everyday. i wonder what he would think of everything. my life still feels so connected to him - relevant to him - full of reverence for him and his love, but at the same time he is undeniably gone gone gone. it's an ache that comprises a big part of me. it's similar to the ache of watching my babies disappear. those feelings are me. they're a map charting who i am.
today is abby's last day of kindergarten. i am so proud of her. she woke up this morning, grabbed a shirt from her closet and a marker, and wrote on her shirt "I *heart* Claudia & Heather" (her teachers). she is so thoughtful, creative, and lovely. how did i get so lucky?
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, February 9th, 2008
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Do you realize I haven't journaled since August or something? No journaling anywhere. These past many months are gonna slip into the ether undocumented. Like they never happened.
Loopity Lou: I'm full of muscle relaxers right now. Fucking wrenched my back last night lifting giant Abby from the bathroom to her bed. The doctor was sympathetic and sent me away with lots of medicine. My dad always said to be careful with my back. Guess it's time to take that advice. So here I am, useless on a beautiful February day - low 80s, sunny.
Spring coming: I love the February weather leading into March. March in Austin is my favorite. There's nothing to beat it. Perfect weather. The whole world comes to Austin to appreciate how great it is. Not only that stuff, but on a more personal level, March, for me, is the time of year I reset - my new year. Everything feels new I have an optimistic outlook. March March March. I love it.
Kids: Abby is six. And reading. And so incredibly nice to hang out with (when she isn't grumpy - then it's best to get the hell away) - funny, smart, great with conversation ,just the right balance of listening and sharing. I'm very proud of Abby. Cora is three. And intensely charming - like a little laser beam of charm. You have to watch out for her, or she'll have her way with you before you have a clue.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, November 1st, 2007
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it's hard to know where to start after a hiatus as long as this...
yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my dad's death. i still miss like i might miss my arm. we celebrated dia de los muertos with my family tonight - cooked out, had a fire in the fire pit, made a modest alter with candles, marigolds, gingers snaps, beer and pictures. it was peaceful and happy.
halloween was also very good - it gets better every year.
camping in two weeks. oh and i managed to file our 2005, 2006 taxes in mid-october in case anyone was riveted. i'm not going to jail after all. at least not because of taxes.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, August 8th, 2007
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anxiety: we're going to dallas this weekend and the drive up there gives me fits. i hate it. it's also gonna be a short trip. making me even more anxious. i think i might also just be in an anxious spot of the month.
going to jail: i haven't been taking care of the taxes. i got a letter from the IRS a couple of weeks ago, asking me to please file my 06 return. i guess i was randomly selected by some automated system, because i haven't filed for 05 yet either. the whole thing is making feel crazed with stress and paralyzed to take any steps forward. i guess i should get over that before they send me to the big house
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
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Drunk and shit... on a Tuesday: Ooops. So, we went out to dinner with some friends, and I had a strong margarita, and then another. Then I came home and drank some beer. And so that is how I now find myself drunk on a Tuesday night. Ironically, everyone else has already gone to bed. Ha. I'm all alone and useless to get anything done. Ho hum... at least I'm drunk.
The big K: Abby might be freaking out about kindergarten. She acted like and asshole for hours and then had a huge fit yesterday. That's pretty out of character these days. I asked her if we've been talking about Kindergarten too much, and she said, "I think sooooooooo..."
Money & responsibility: Can I please be 10 years olds again? Just for, like, a week? Please? Pretty please??
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
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Dinner, the waste and want... I can't get motivated to cook this week. I've been dragging my feet to leave work, so we arrive home after 6:30 hungry and tired. We all just want someone to place a delicious, healthy dinner in before us. Tonight it was Thai takeout. Last night it was soup from Central Market. We have so much food to cook. And due to the recent money hemorrhage with the fascia repair, the vet bills, Cora's birthday extravagances and the broken tree limbs, we're broke as a joke. It's a shame. A sad sad shame.
Not gonna Fly though... I wish I didn't resent the Flylady so much. Some routine and discipline could do me some good right now. But I find myself thinking of her like I think of fundamentalist Christians. I know if I work at it I could take plenty from her message, but I feel so accosted by her approach I don't even want to try.
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Comments: Read 13 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
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Cora is three today. Turn around twice, I'll tell you what...
It was a sweet day. Last night I made Cora a little heart birthday necklace out of paper - she happily wore it at school all day. We had a Beatles Birthday song family dance party before we left the house this morning. After school I picked her up with a handful of sunflowers tied in string. We had dinner at Luby's (why do kids love Luby's so much??). Then Cora opened her birthday present before bed - a real-ish accordion and some toy cows. She loved the accordion! I was pleasantly surprised by how over-the-top happy Cora seemed with our modest celebration of her birthday. She's a joyful kid. It's a pleasure to be her mom.
Oh, and I guess I turned 32 a couple of weeks ago. Got a gift certificate for a hot stone massage and a salt water float - what the hell is a salt water float, anyway?
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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cranky's journal